Finding a birth parent using DNA, a step by step guide - jonathanbrecher/sharedclustering GitHub Wiki

(If you are a parent looking for a birth child, see instead Finding a birth child using DNA, a step by step guide)

Get your DNA tested

You can't know where your birth relatives have been tested, so you should get your DNA tested on as many sites as possible:

Ancestry and 23andMe are closed sites. The only way you can get your DNA onto their site is to pay them to get tested. The other sites accept free transfers once you've tested anywhere else. So you should get yourself tested on either Ancestry or 23andMe, then transfer those results to the other sites.

Ideally, you should get yourself tested at both Ancestry and 23andMe. If you get tested on one, you will have no idea which relatives got tested on the other site where you can't see them at all. It's definitely worth getting tested at both sites.

If money is a concern, you can watch for sales. Both Ancestry and 23andMe traditionally have very good sales at the end of November in conjunction with the American Thanksgiving holiday and leading into the gift-giving season. Ancestry also tends to have lots of other sales during the year, often timed to match up with various family-related holidays sych as Valentines Day, St. Patrick's Day, Mother's Day, etc. Amazon will usually meet their sale prices, so you can get free shipping if you order from Amazon instead of from their websites. It's the same test; doesn't matter where you get it.

If you still can only get tested at one site, get tested at Ancestry first. Ancestry has a much larger database than 23andMe. This is strictly a matter of numbers. While you could find an important relative on any site, you have a better chance of finding them on a site that has more people in their database. Then save up for the late November sale at 23andMe, because you really do want to get tested at both.

Once you get the test, follow their instructions to spit in the tube and mail it back. Your test results will be available online in about a month.

Write down what you know

While you're waiting for your test results, write down what you know.

If you know nothing

If you think you know nothing, you're wrong. Everyone knows something:

  • What year were you born?
  • What is your birthday?
  • Where were you born?
  • Do you have any distinctive characteristics? Red hair? Blue eyes? Birthmarks?

Any of those details might be useful once you get a lead to work with.

  • Do you have any hints or rumors about your parents?

Adoption records aren't always accurate, but sometimes they have information that makes sense once you find something to compare it to.

  • How many parents do you have?

This isn't a trick question. Even if you know NOTHING, you know that you have two parents. Don't lose this idea. When you get your DNA results, some of your matches will be related to your mother and some will be related to your father. You might not know -- yet -- which are which, but simply dividing your matches into two groups will be a big step towards finding your birth parents.

If you know one parent

Knowing one parent is a huge head start to finding the other. What can your parent tell you?

  • Name of the other parent? (even just a first name could help)
  • City or state where you were conceived?

Even if your known parent can't tell you anything about your other parent, what can they tell you about themselves? Try to build the family tree of your known parent as much as you can. Ancestry has a pretty good free tree-building tool, or you could even do it by hand. If you can find a known relative in your DNA matches that will be a huge help when separating out the unknown matches later on.

Look at your DNA matches

When you get your DNA results the Ancestry or 23andMe website will give you a list of shared matches. The best result is if your child has already tested.

If the top of your list has a match labeled as parent/child, then STOP. Take a screenshot IMMEDIATELY. You don't want to lose that information, no matter what.

(A parent and a child will both share half of your DNA. There's no way for the testing company to tell the difference between your parent and your child simply by looking at your DNA. Hopefully, you will recognize your parents on your own, leaving your children as the other choice.)

Reach out

If your child already appears in your matches, you should reach out to them. They might have tested years ago and stopped looking at their matches. Think carefully about what you want to say. They got tested, so they're probably looking for you... but that's not guaranteed. Be gentle!

Wait

If your child doesn't already appear in your matches, then you have to sit back and wait. There's really no way for you to find them using DNA until they get tested.