This is too trivial to write about, sorry, but it’s also the most — and perhaps the only — important achievement of my life: Lady or gentleman, I give you: The pickle dog.

It’s a hot dog, but with the meat gone and replaced by a pickle.

Why? Well, the problem with frankfurters is that the star of it all — the cylindrical chunk of meat, the legendary tube steak — can be expensive, and high in calories, and it’s meat, which you’ll be surprised to learn is not allowed on vegetarian or vegan diets.

And it’s not merely meat, it’s a mix of the most disgusting cuts of cheap, fatty meats from things you might not want to eat even if you eat meat — pigs’ nostrils, cows’ ear lobes, probably ground-up chicken beak and bull anus, and the infamous pink slime, etc.

Replacing the meat of a wiener with a pickle sliced the long way is cheaper, with far fewer calories, and contains nothing disgusting.

You certainly can taste the difference, and I won’t pretend you can’t, but I honestly wouldn’t say it’s worse, or better than a hot dog. It’s just different, but very tasty. And depending on what brand of dogs you’d buy, you can save 15¢ to a dollar or more per dog, and 100 to 300 calories. With the low-calorie bread I eat, this lunch of four pickle dogs is only about 200 calories.

I eat 4-8 pickle dogs for a meal, sometimes 12, rarely 16. I think I've eaten 52 pickle dogs in the past week. I like pickle dogs.

For me, anyway, it’s all about the condiments you put on a weenie. I usually use peanut butter, sauerkraut, and mustard. If I’m feeling extra-fancy there might also be onions, ketchup, and garlic powder. Whatever condiments you'd put on a hot dog, dress a pickle dog exactly the same, and it’ll be quite delicious.

I usually slice the pickle once, the long way, because I have bad teeth and an entire pickle is a lot to bite through. If it’s an especially fat pickle, or if I’m especially poor, I might slice it twice, meaning the pickle part of each pickle dog is one-quarter of a pickle. I've gone as far as 1/8 of a pickle, and it still tastes fine. You can stretch the budget as thin as you can slice a pickle.

You'll notice from the picture that I use toasted bread instead of buns, but that’s just a matter of personal preference. My wife disputed me on this point, but I’ve never liked or understood hot dog buns — they’re too bready, and never seem to open easily, and they can fall apart easily, leaving your pickle (or meat!) on the carpet. Pickle or meat, it never tastes as good after it's been in the carpet.

Caution is advised if you don't like pickles.

8/10/2021