Today at the movies — a search for the legendary yeti, alien goop takes over a space station, women held prisoner as breeding stock, a hunky gardener never wears a shirt, a bank heist goes almost all wrong, singing scales in a living room courthouse, and James Spader and Robert Downey Jr are late for high school.

• The Abominable Snowman (1957)

• Charley Varrick (1973)

• The Gardener (1973)

• The Green Slime (1968)

• The Handmaid's Tale (1990)

• One Way Pendulum (1965)

• Tuff Turf (1985)

The big surprise: One Way Pendulum.

So bad it's good: The Green Slime.

And the best of the bunch: Charley Varrick.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Abominable Snowman (1957)

Forrest Tucker stars, a few years before F Troop, and gets top billing. He's playing Tom Friend, a brusque, slightly shady American leading an expedition in search of the maybe-mythical maybe-not yeti, a man-sized species or missing link high up in the mountains.

Friend's motivation is money — he wants to capture this thing, preferably alive, and sell it — but the character is written and played smartly, even delivers a few lofty speeches. He's not a two-dimensional money-grubber.

Peter Cushing co-stars, so early in his career that he's not what's scary here. He's Dr John Rollason, the scientific expert who posits that the yeti might eat small animals, hares, mice, and moles. Hmmm. When Rollason and Friend inevitably clash, it's incongruous, intentionally no doubt, that Rollason keeps calling him Friend. That's his name, after all.

Val Guest directs, and he was a very good moviemaker (The Day the Earth Caught Fire, Hell is a City, Jigsaw). It's not easy to convincingly set a movie high in the Himalayas when it's actually filmed at a studio, but he's done it here, mixing grain-matched aerial and stock footage with well-made sets and realistic-looking fake-snow-blowery. The only thing missing is visible exhalation when the characters breathe and speak in what's supposed to be the cold air.

Abominable offers slow-building, subtle suspense, and it's also an engaging travelogue, even though you know nobody really traveled. The dialogue is thoughtful, there's no good guy/bad guy dichotomy, and there are genuine goosebumps at the climax, which is not the bloody mayhem that anyone but Guest would've delivered.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

Charley Varrick (1973)

Charley Varrick (Walter Matthau) and his gang rob a small town bank, but the heist goes wrong, and becomes a deadly shootout. One cop is killed, one's critically injured, and two of Varrick's gang are dead, including his wife.

Varrick and one of his men get away, but when they open the moneybags they discover they've stolen more than they'd expected. Lots more, and that's bad news. A small town bank wouldn't have had so much money in the vault, unless it's Mafia money.

You can get away from the cops if you're smart, but it's much more difficult getting away from the mob. "The difference is that the Mafia kills you. No trial, no judge, and they never stop looking for you, not until you're dead. I'd rather have ten FBI's after me."

Directed by Don Siegel, who was an absolute master at this kind of material, this had me by the first scene after the opening credits, and never loosened its grip. The story, based on a novel, is like clockwork — every part clicks together, but you never see any of it coming.

John Vernon from Animal House plays the president of the bank, and Joe Don Baker at his coldest plays the man Vernon sends to get the money back. Music by Lalo Schifrin.

"No such thing as worrying too much. Not when you got the fuzz and the mafia after you at the same time."

How have I never seen this movie before? Probably the title put me off; it's a boring title for a movie that never is. Siegel wanted to call it Last of the Independents, which is Varrick's motto as a crop-duster, his day job.

My big mistake was watching this movie in the evening. Soon as I fell asleep, a very tense nightmare came at me, with gangster types who'd tracked me down to this decapitated house where I live. They were going room-to-room to find me, just to ask a few questions, you understand.

I woke up shook up, but went back to sleep and had a second nightmare along the same general lines. Both times I awakened with my heart racing like I'd briskly jogged to the corner and back, so I clicked the lights on and read a dull book for half an hour before letting myself fall asleep a third time, to better dreams. As I simply never have nightmares like that, I blame Don Siegel and Charley Varrick.

"I never thought I'd be willing to change places with a cow. Take a look at them out there. I mean, they got it knocked. What's the worst thing in the world that could possibly happen to them? A short circuit in the electric milker. Compared to what I'm facing, that's child's play."

Reading about the movie the next day, it seems Siegel wanted Clint Eastwood for the part, but Eastwood read the script and said he couldn't see any redeeming characteristics in Varrick. Siegel gets back at him by inserting a joke about Eastwood in the script.

Watching it is so thrilling that I hadn't noticed, but Eastwood kinda has a point. Varrick is a smart character, and Matthau plays him much better than Eastwood would've, but he's just a bank robber. He isn't broke or anything, has no lofty motivation. He simply wants the money.

But so what? Robbing a bank is enough to make me root for the guy. Anyway, despite his ugly face, Matthau had movie star charisma, and it's a terrific movie.

Verdict: BIG YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Gardener (1973)

a/k/a Garden of Death

a/k/a Seeds of Evil

Joe Dallesandro stars, with some other people whose names are much bigger in the credits but I've never heard of them.

He plays the new gardener for a rich woman and her husband, but the gardener has never met the husband, and the wife seems more interested in the gardener than the garden, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

That's understandable — though not much as an actor, Dallesandro is an extraordinary specimen of male. I'd do him, either before or after he starts turning into a tree.

The movie is sort of a cult item, but it's a little stale, semi-creepy at best, and there's no budget for visual effects, so Dallesandro's body is it.

Leading lady Katherine Houghton is Katherine Hepburn's niece, and she treats this material like it's The African Queen, but it's not.

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Green Slime (1968)

On a crowded space station, an astronaut comes back from a mission with a blop of green alien mucus inadvertently smudged on his space britches. Slime should make for a great element of horror, and green is a lovely choice. Pretty soon, though, it dries and grows into a rather sub-ordinary movie monster with unconvincing tentacles and a head-wide red eyebrows.

It's ludicrous but it's a laugh. For being set among military men, it's kooky how often even ordinary orders are questioned by underlings. "That's an order, mister!" and "Do I have to remind you that I am in command?" It gets silly after three or four such lines, but it happens at least two dozen times here, maybe more.

There are also a similar number of scenes where one character tells the other that what we're about to do is very dangerous, maybe impossible.

It's a low-budget Japanese monster movie, filmed at a Japanese studio in Tokyo, with a mostly Asian crew, but in English and with western actors. A few B-level stars were imported, and the smaller parts were played by American military men stationed nearly, who were amateur actors in an on-base theater group.

Three writers are credited, and one of them is Bill Finger, the at least co-creator of Batman, though Bob Kane took all the credit while they were alive.

The movie opens and closes with a ridiculous rock'n'roll song called, of course, "Green Slime," and it's so perfect for such a schlocky film, I've added it to my perpetual playlist.

What can it be, what is the reason?
Is this the end to all that we've done?
Is it just something in your head?
Will you believe it when you're dead?
Green slime, green slime, green slime…

Verdict: YES, for entertainment purposes only.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Handmaid's Tale (1990)

"We pledge allegiance to the Bible. The Old Testament shall be our sole and only Constitution."

I've never read the book by Margaret Atwood, haven't seen the more recent TV show, and never saw this movie until today, because it's an impossible story, right? Women had won their rights, and even with Republicans braying about killing babies and such rubbish, the idea of an America without rights for women seemed impossible to idiot-me.

Well, now we live in the early days of Gillead, so I guess it wasn't impossible after all. In the movie's near future, fertile women are forced into being handmaids, which has nothing to do with cleaning.

For Kate (Natasha Richardson), it means she'll be imprisoned during her training and Christian indoctrination, and then she'll be handmaiden to "the Commander" (Robert Duvall), being raped nightly by him while his loving but infertile wife (Faye Dunnaway) watches.

It's as horrible as it sounds, and there are several scenes so over-the-top it made me laugh, but in the same way I laugh at Lauren Boebert, Elon Musk, or any of the present-day idiots in power — a worried laugh.

Despite watching it twice there's a gaping plot hole I can't make sense of: In one of the film's few happy moments, Kate and her friend Moira (Elizabeth McGovern) attack their main guard, "Aunt Lydia" (Victoria Tennant), and leave her tied up in the restroom. And it's never mentioned again. Seems unlikely that neither of them would be punished, but they're not.

The only black people in this film are seen in a very brief shot, packed into the back of a flatbed truck, being hauled away to who knows where. Which makes sense. This is set in the Republican future, where black people won't be welcome at all.

Written by Harold Pinter.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

One Way Pendulum (1965)

The elder Mr Groomkirby is building a precise replica of the Old Bailey (the Central Criminal Court of England and Wales) in his living room. The younger Mr Groomkirby (whose first name is Kirby, of course) has become fascinated with coin-operated scales that synthetically 'speak' your weight, acquired several of them, and he's teaching them to sing.

Describing the plot further is beyond my, or human, capabilities, but suffice to say that many surreal and increasingly strange things happen, culminating in a trial held in the replica courthouse.

Several members of Monty Python have cited One Way Pendulum as an inspiration, which seems perfectly logical.

"You say you were a masochist, Mr Grimkirby — are you a masochist now?"
"No, sir."
"When did you cease your masochism?"
"Oh, a month or two ago, sir."
"What made you give it up?"
"It was taking up too much of my time."

Directed by Peter Yates — you might remember him from such films as Breaking Away, and Bullitt.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

Tuff Turf (1985)

James Spader (25) plays a high school student. Robert Downey Jr (20) is his best buddy sidekick. Spader is the good guy, bullied by Paul Mones (30) and other high school adults, but he kidnaps Kim Richards (21) "just to talk," takes her to an ostentatious country club, serenades her at the piano, and everyone applauds.

There are several ridiculous scenes, including that one, and Richards stealing the stage from a stripper at a bar, and the whitest cover of "Twist and Shout" ever performed, but there's too much wrong with this movie to make an extensive list.

Special anti-kudos, though, for an impossibly dull screenplay, and for the lazy 1980s synthesizer music built around a _thwomp_ing fake drumbeat that's played thousands of times.

Verdict: BIG NO.

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Coming attractions:
• A Florida Enchantment (1914)
• The Fat Man (1950)
• Paint Your Wagon (1969)
• Rogue Cop (1954)
• RR (2007)
• Strange Holiday (1945)
• Walkabout (1971)
12/2/2022

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Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. No talking once the lights dim. Real butter, not that fake crap, on the popcorn. I try to make these reviews spoiler-free, but sometimes screw up, sorry. Piracy is not a victimless crime. Click any image to enlarge. [Comments & conversations invited.](mailto:[email protected]?subject=Comments for Mostly Words)