My dratted and despicable phone company announced that my old cell phone would no longer work on their 'upgraded' system. Oh, hooray, I had to 'upgrade'. Had to abandon the flip-phone I've barely used (but also barely hated) over the past many years. My new phone doesn't even flip open

It has dozens of brand names (just apps, but they're ads no less than ads for Pepsi and Burger King) splattered across the home screen — or it had, as the first thing I did was hide the apps it wouldn't let me delete.

Then I denied permissions to every one of the remaining 34 (!) built-in apps, except the few necessary for making phone calls, sending text messages, and taking photos.

Switched off "location tracking," though I doubt doing so will stop anyone from tracking the cell phone's location. It won't do them much good, though, as I never carry a phone with me. It stays at home, just like my phone fifty years ago stayed at home. Home is where a person's phone belongs.

Philosophically, what I hate most about phones is that they interrupt. That's their purpose. They're interruption machines, so my next challenge was getting my new phone to shut the hell up. I don't want it to ring — ever. I don't want it to vibrate. I don't need to know when text messages come in. I need it to sit there and never make a sound.

Well, getting a phone to shut up isn't easy. They're designed to interrupt, and they'll fight to the death for their ability to interrupt. After weeks of wrangling, I'm pleased to announce that I've defeated the phone, and absolutely silenced it, except for one unwinnable challenge.

Despite clicking every option to mute everything, having all the volumes set to zero, and being in "Do Not Disturb" mode since the day the device arrived, this phone has awakened me twice for Amber alerts.

Puh-lease. I am opposed to the kidnapping of children, OK? But an Amber alert on my cell phone waking me up at 3:00 in the morning is not going to rescue a child. I'm not going to grab a flashlight and go on patrol, looking for some distressed child.

It's a cruel world and I am just cruel enough that I'd rather sleep through some brat's abduction twenty miles from me. If offered, I would also decline murder alerts that would ring my phone every time some stranger is killed. Shit happens, as they say, and I wish it didn't, but please don't wake me up whenever shit happens.

5/16/2022