When I opened my bedroom door and emerged into the kitchen, Dean was there. He looked at me and smiled and took a breath, and he would've started talking if I hadn't held up my hand in a 'stop' gesture and hurried past him and into the john. When you gotta go, etc.

Sitting down for a poop, I knew he'd be there when I came out, and he'd want to talk.

Two or three minutes passed, along with half a pound of yesterday's carrots, and when I tidied up and emerged, there he was. And of course, he started talking (something about something he'd cooked at the hotel's restaurant).

I wasn't in the mood to donate ten minutes to the man. "Nah," I said, interrupting him as I walked past and into my room.

It was only after closing the door that I realized I'd said "Nah" out loud. Hadn't meant to.

Twice, I've said more than "Nah." I've said, Dean, we can't have a conversation every time you see me.

Both times, I tried to politely explain being an introvert to my very extroverted flatmate, and both times I thought I'd been successful, but it's like explaining a bus to a butterfly.

And still, every time he sees me, he wants to talk at me. In nine months in this house, I don't remember Dean and I ever seeing each other without him wanting to talk at me.

Well, screw it. I'm sick of hearing him talk, so I said, "Nah," accidentally, and it silenced him. Nothing else has.

The next day, Dean and I saw each other again, and this time I wanted to say "Nah" on purpose. I started with, "Hey, can we talk?" and then repeated what I'd told him twice before, but more firmly and emphatically.

It took maybe a minute and a half to say what I said, which was longer than I've ever seen Dean be silent.

"I'm an introvert. Conversations are difficult for me, and sometimes I want to come out of my room and pee, or make a sandwich, or check the mail, without all the effort of a conversation."

My main point, the last thing I said, was, "If you want to talk to me, we can talk, sometimes — but not every damned time you see me."

Except for the word 'damn', I tried to say all this as politely as possible. I didn't want to make him into an enemy. We live on opposite sides of the same kitchen in a shared house, so we're going to see each other, often, and I'd like us to be cordial. Also, we share a refrigerator, and he could easily piss in my prune juice.

So did Dean take it well? He did not. He listened until I was finished, and then turned and walked into his room without a word.

And with that, I guess Dean is no longer speaking to me. That's the best punishment I've had since I was 17, and they kicked me out of school for skipping too much school.

I'll give the prune juice a sniff test before chugging it.

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• Victorian butchers

• Play "Freebird," on harmonica

• Waiting for a train in Washington DC

♫♬ Mix tape of my mind ♫

• Access Me — Phish

• Daybreaker — Electric Light Orchestra

• Hold Your Head Up — Argent

• She Bop — Cyndi Lauper

• Who'll Stop the Rain? — Creedence Clearwater Revival

Eventually, everyone
leaves the building

• Thom Bell

• Ashley Bickerton

• Don Christopher

• Blasco Giurato

• Maxi Jazz

• Pelé

• Ian Tyson

• Barbara Walters

• Walter 'Wolfman' Washington

12/31/2022
Tip 'o the hat to Linden Arden, ye olde AVA, BoingBoing, Breakfast at Ralf's, Captain Hampockets, CaptCreate's Log, John the Basket, LiarTownUSA, Meme City, National Zero, Ran Prieur, Voenix Rising, and anyone else whose work I've stolen without saying thanks.
Special thanks to Becky Jo, Name Withheld, Dave S, Wynn Bruce, and always extra special thanks to my lovely late Stephanie, who gave me 21 years and proved that the world isn't always shitty.