Relationships - nolanhergert/notes GitHub Wiki

Nice people

R. Gangwal

On Marriage or not

Lots of family and friends recommend marriage, or ask how that is going. Right now (July 2021) I'm currently distracted by work, led strip controller, and hiking. It feels like I might be screwing something up, but I'm not immediately drawn to being in a relationship! It's gotta be pretty compatible over the long term!

As Mark O. was saying, "I know people happily married, people unhappily married, people happily single, people unhappily single!"

Advice from Two Cents

Hard to believe this was 14 years ago today. Look at those serious faces! 😂 But, in actual seriousness, we are incredibly lucky that our relationship has gotten consistently better over time. I'm not saying it didn't feel like we did the one step forward two steps back dance now and then. Trust me, we've been through some intensely challenging seasons. But thankfully through a combo of luck and consistent work we've somehow managed to maintain a strong friendship and partnership. Now, I'm not about to frame us as some sort of relationship gurus. I feel like the MINUTE you do that, you are asking for trouble. But I'm happy to share a few things that have been amazing foundation-builders for us.

  1. Counseling. Constantly. Seriously. Even in the easier seasons. That's when you actually get to the deep stuff because you're not distracted by the fight-of-the-week.
  2. We've chosen to completely share ownership of every asset and every debt from the moment we walked down the aisle. I'm not saying that's right for everyone, but it has been for us. And for about a decade, every month, without fail, we sit down and decide together what happens to the new assets that come into our lives. It's not always been pretty or easy to do so, but you get better at it over time. We also make sure to maintain some spending independence with our fun money envelopes. (Thanks YNAB!)
  3. Taking ownership of our personal self-care has been a game-changer in the last few years. Of course, we look out for each other and take turns carrying the load of life when one of us is really down. But our relationship got so much better when we owned the responsibility for being our own best caregiver.
  4. Ask (with actual words!) for what we need from the other person. It's still a revelation to us that we, after all this time, are not actual mind-readers. The minute one of us decides we're the expert on what the other is actually thinking is the minute that conversation goes straight into the garbage. 😂
  5. A therapist recently told me "Expectations are premeditated resentments". Yeah. Chew on that one for a moment. If we have expectations of each other that are really important to us, we HAVE to communicate them. Period. If I end up disappointed because of something I could have communicated but didn't, then that's on me, not them. Anyway...as the world starts to open up again, I wish you all the best in cultivating and savoring the deeply meaningful relationships in your lives. 💕