A video card is something that almost everyone has and uses frequently. Get your yellow pages out and call up every video store you can find. When they answer throw them a line like, "Hi, this is Chris Tomkinson. My video cards were stolen today and I wanted you to cancel my membership there. It turns out we're moving out of state forever next month anyway so I'll never be in there again anyway." When they hear that someone's stolen your card, of course they'll cancel it right away. When you tell them you're going out of town for good, there's really no reason for them to keep your name in the computer so they just completely delete you. When Chris goes in the store to check out a movie, his name won't show up anywhere as if he never even had a membership there and he has to apply for a card again, which is, in my opinion, a pain in the ass. Make sure to call up all the video stores. If you want to be really mean, you can cancel his mom and dad's cards too. That way he won't be able to use theirs' either. If he's the type of person to use the library alot, call the library and cancel his card there, too.

There's an 800 number for just about every credit card out there that you can use to cancel your card if it's lost or stolen. Within a few minutes of calling this number, their credit cards will be useless. Just make up a story like, "Yeah, I'm on vacation here in Seattle and my whole wallet was stolen with my Mastercard in it. Could you cancel that before someone uses it?" Pretend to be really worried about having to pay for charges you didn't make and so on. They might want some extra information like the name of the bank which issued your card. You can guess or tell them you have no idea. (Unless you actually know which bank it is.) The Mastercard dude will want your driver's license number or social security number sometimes, but tell him you don't know either one because your wallet was stolen, dammit! To cancel your Visa, call 1-800-336-8472 To cancel your Mastercard, 1-800-999-0454 For Discover, 1-800-347-2683 If you know of any gas cards he uses, get the numbers to cancel those, too. There's nothing more embarrassing that filling up your tank with super unleaded gasoline and finding out that all your credit cards, gas cards and ATM card have been mysteriously reported stolen. Who knows, the clerk might even call the police on him.

This works the same way that the credit card canceling thing works. Find out which bank Chris uses and call them. Tell them you're away on vacation and your Aunt just informed you that your house had been broken into. The thieves took all of your banking stuff including your checkbooks, savings passbook, and ATM card. They'll immediately put a "freeze" on his account and he'll have to go through extra steps when he tries to withdraw and money. If he writes a check it probably will bounce and if he tries to use his ATM card the machine will eat it and he won't get it back until he's cleared up things with the bank.

Again, the exact same proceedure. Say you're on vacation and all your calling cards were stolen. All they'll ask for is your home phone number and the cards are usually disconnected within four hours. Tell the lady that you really never use that card anyway so there's no need to issue a new one. This way, Chris won't know his cards are bad until he needs to use them. U.S.Sprint 1-800-877-4646 AT&T 1-800-662-6214 M.C.I. 1-800-950-5555

My all time favorite, disconnecting his service. First, call the billing office and have his line password protected. This means that anyone wanting to make any changes in his service will have to give the operator a password that you'll choose. Sometimes the operator will want to call back and verify that it's really Chris. Tell her that you're never home when they're open and she'll say "no problem" and ask for his social security number. If you know it, give it to her. If not, go crawl under something and die or go to the next step. A few days after you've password protected the line, call the billing office again and tell them that you've moved out of the house already and you need the phone disconnected. They'll ask you for the password and disconnect the service, asking where you want the last bill sent to. Give them an address out of state. Now after Chris's line goes dead he's going to have one hell of a time convincing the billing office to hook it back up because you've password protected his line. He really has no way of proving that he is who he says he is because he doesn't have that password. You do.

Almost every newspaper out there lets you call in the ad you want to have in the paper and then they send you a bill for it. In other words, it's free. Look in your local paper and judging from the ads that are in there, think up something that would be a really hot item to sell such as a house for rent. (Houses and cars usually get the best results.) Call the paper and tell them that you're Chris Tomkinson and you want to put an ad in the paper. Have something ready like, "Nice 3 bedroom, 2 bath, garage, den, dining room, great neighborhood, $300/month, $200/deposit." Compare your ad to the others in the "For Rent" section and be sure that yours is the very best deal in there. As a phone number to call to inquire about the house, leave two. "Call Chris Tomkinson anytime 24 hrs at 635-8312 or 635-9207." The first being his work phone number and the second being his home. Now when an awesome deal like you've put in the paper is seen, it gets a tremendous response. I'm talkin' about his telephone ringing constantly for two days straight at the least. He'll get in big trouble with his boss at work for recieving 2 billion calls. Even if he's able to convince his boss that he wasn't responsible, he'll still look bad. I mean, what would your boss think about all this happening? If he lives with his parents, he'll probably get in trouble with them too.

Check your newspaper's police blotter and front page every night for a major theft that's occured in the neighborhood. Something like, car stereos being stolen or maybe a school being broken into and computer equipment being stolen. Call the police station from a pay phone. "Hello, I want to make an annonymous call about the theft the other night involving the car stereo. Uh, I know who the guy is and he's been stealing car stereos and radar detectors ever since I've known him. I'm just starting to feel sorry for the people he's ripping off and want you to stop him but I don't want him to know who I am or he'll beat me up." Sound really whiney and nervous, "His name is Chris Tomkinson and he lives at (wherever). He keeps all the stuff he steals either hidden in his closet or hooked up in his room and most of it all still has the serial numbers on them..." You get the idea. The police will want to move in on this horrible criminal and will probably get a search warrant so they can look for evidence. I did this to one guy and they didn't get a warrant but the kid's mom just let them in his room while he was at school. They ripped his room apart looking for stolen stereo equipment and didn't find anything. They created quite a mess from what I heard, though.

This is probably one of the best things to do and can even become a major news event in your area. You pull out the 'ole phone book and open it up to the yellow pages. Now, starting from the letter "A" and working all the way to "Z" call up every single business in the book. Set up an appointment with every company in there for (example) Wednesday morning at about 10:00. Give yourself a few days to do it all and get all the appointment as close together as you can. You can probably see what's going to happen. Wednesday morning at 10:00 his street is going to be totally filled up with a truck from every business in the entire area. From exterminators to furnace repair to roofing estimates, they'll all be there asking for Chris. (Try to make sure he's going to be home when they come.) On Wednesday morning you'll want to make some calls. At 9:30 call up every pizza delivery place in the area and have a couple large pizzas sent to Chris. After that, call up all the taxi cabs and instruct them to come to your house to take you shopping. Tuesday night you'll also want to make some calls. Every T.V. station and newspaper in the area will want to know that "something big is going to happen on Sullivan street" in the morning. Don't tell them what, just tell them that they'd be stupid not to get coverage on something like this. Also call up all your friends and have them call up their friends. Instruct them all to show up on Sullivan street at about 9:45 am. As this will be an historical moment, bring a video camera and tape the whole event just in case you're not happy with the camera work of the T.V. stations. You might want to call in a false report to the fire department that Chris's house is on fire just to get them there and add to the confusion. I have done this only on a much smaller scale. I skimmed through the yellow pages and pick out about 30 business to show up at a victim's house and did the pizza a fire truck thing but the media never got involved. There was quite a traffic jam on his street with just those few trucks there and I can imagine what it would look like with 10 times more and a camera crew.

The time-honored tradition of giving Chris a subscription to every magazine that was ever made. Go to your library and rip out those little subscription cards out of each one. If a librarian asks you what the hell your doing tell her to go piss up a flagpole and continue your task. Now take this big stack of cards home and fill them all out in Chris's name and send them in. Almost every one of the cards will already have the postage paid for so you won't have to worry about the cost of stamps. Now me, I could care less if someone did that to me. I would get a little pissed off, though, if someone were to use my name on the subscription cards and send them to my friends or employers. So try this. He'll get a couple issues of each magazine until they get pissed off that he's not paying for them and stop his subscription. For a few months after that they'll harrass him about paying for the magazines he ordered but he won't get into any kind of trouble because of it. Some magazines let you use a credit card to pay for the subscription. Use someone else's card and when the owner of the card gets his bill, they'll investigate it and eventually narrow it down to Chris's address.

Drive to a city where nobody will know you or Chris. Check yourself into a hospital emergency room complaining of sudden chest pains and really severe headaches. Before they're able to treat you they'll have you fill out a few hospital forms. Put your name in there as Chris Tomkinson and use his social security number, address and phone number. If you can, try to forge his signature if you know what it looks like. They'll look you over, maybe take a blood sample, an x-ray or two and they'll tell you your fine. After they've done a lot to you, tell them you're feeling much better and it must have all been in your head. Go home. In a couple of weeks, the hospital is going to start sending Chris a bill for a couple thousand dollars. (Hospitals are extremely expensive.) They usually send only two notices before they turn the matter over to a collection agency who will call Chris every couple days and ask him why he hasn't paid his bill yet. They'll also threaten to "take legal action" and so on. If Chris tries to explain to them that he never went to that hospital, they'll assume he's lying. They hear that excuse every day. Collection agencies are full of shit. They can't really do anything to you except send you notices but when you refuse to pay them you're screwing up your credit rating. I know a lot about collection agencies seeing as I never pay my bills. I went to a hospital once for strep throat and they bothered me about it for two years after that.