Cooking - malkovich/bibanon GitHub Wiki
Like most Anonymous, you've probably been living on Microwave food, take-a-way and pizza for the majority of your life. Well, the time has come for you to learn how to make proper food and preferably the kind that won't clog up your arteries tighter than the sphincter of a violated catholic school girl.
- What you need ##
- A stove.
- One shallow pot and one deep.
- One pan.
- One cutting block, so you don't carve up your counters.
- One long knife for cutting meat.
- A spatula, for flipping burgers, eggs and such.
- A fridge, for obvious reasons.
- An oven.
- A blender.
- A toaster (you can actually substitute for this with your pan, if you're strapped for cash)
- A sandwich grill
- Coffee machine
- George Foreman Grill
- Rice Cooker (for you fucking weeaboos and real Asian people)
- Salt, to make foods salty
- Sugar, to make foods sweet, (replace with splenda if your girl is of the harpoons persuasion, also useful for hiding coke)
- Black and White Pepper, they taste different, experiment.
- Oil, you spray the pan with it to avoid food sticking. This is CRITICAL, ecpecially when creating most breakfasts.
- Vinegar, useful in salads and anything that needs a hint of sour, also produces a delicious aroma when adding while cooking meat with wine, (carboxylic acid reacts with alcohol to create esters, which are sweet and delicious smelling organic compounds)
- Various condiments, ketchup, mustard, etc.
- Various spices, cumin, oregano, etc., look it up somewhere. They are generally not that expensive and will last you a long time.
- Why you should learn to cook ##
- Getting to it: Protips ##
- Overcooking is mostly bad, carcinogens a-plenty. When you've overcooked something, kill the stove, put it out with water to kill the smell and throw away whatever you screwed up. If it is a slight burn or if it is situated in one place, it may be salvageable, cut the burned part off, feed it to your neighbors cat, move the fuck on.
- Undercooking is mostly bad, it doesn't kill all the bacteria properly and they can regroup and make you shit chocolate rain. Plus undercooked food is not heated properly and/or taste like shit. Undercooking meat is obviously moar dangerous.
- Certain foods, such as steaks, are often much better tasting if not cooked entirely through. In restaurants, most people order their steak medium or medium-rare. If you've heated your pan correctly, it should only take 38 seconds on one side and 36 on the other to make it medium-rare. Be careful if you don't know if you have quality meat or not. See above.
- Cleanups are not best left until last. If you haven't had the pleasure of finding a bowl of corn flakes that hasn't been touched for weeks, and subsequently, breaking both your arms trying to scrape that shit off and eventually passing out due to toxic fumes, I suggest you keep it that way by cleaning the fuck up. It doesn't have to be surgically clean, just clean enough for a human being not to get food poisoning from just entering your kitchen.
- Get some small containers. These are great for storing leftovers, which you should never throw away if the food was edible to begin with. Keep in mind when you first cooked it, though, as food does eventually go bad no matter how well you seal it.
- Take good care of your fucking cookware. I can't stress this enough, cookware is expensive, you would know if you went and bought some instead of stealing from your parents. Wash regularly, BOTH SIDES, store them in a way that if they wont be dented or misshapen, take extra care of the lids since if you dent the lids, its practically impossible to put back on the pot or pan, this is the most important one: NEVER touch nonstick cookware with metal objects. This will defeat the purpose of nonstick cookware. (If it is non-stick by way of Teflon, the metal object will scratch the Teflon coating.)
- Occasions when you MUST cook ##
- Thanksgiving (For the Amerikkkans): You'll be expected to prepare a turkey, which includes cooking, basting and stuffing, probably not in that order. May god have mercy on your soul if you fail to carve it the right way in the presence of your guests.
- Christmas: Varies from place to place and can be anything from pig to lamb to quail. Putting some effort into matters more than what your actually serving.
- Spouse's/Girlfriend's birthday: just do it, actually, just the fact that you remembered their birthday puts you in the fucking safe zone, making food for them is just going the extra mile
- Anniversary: do it if you want to get laid.
- What to cook
- Setting a table ##
- You may join the edges of the napkin in the middle of it, then roll it along that line, the edges will not stick out and it'll have a smooth look to it. This way it'll make a roll that can easily and neatly be placed on the table.
- Large cutlery(/silverware if you have such a thing) is for the main course, the normal ones are for anything but that, ranging from first dish to cheese.
- Fish often has specific ustensils, such as a spoon and sometimes an unsharp knife; in the same way, dented( or very sharp) knives go with meat, but can be put out if said meat is very easy to separate(which means it is very high quality tender meat, when well done, use knife).
- If you plan on serving champagne, which is often done before the actual meal, have a few champagne glasses (the tall, thin ones) ready on the side, and remove them as soon as possible.
- If you plan on serving wine (possibly good quality), have 2 wine glasses ready per person, one for white wine, one for red wine (bigger). At my work they use a third, tiny glass for sweet wines, often accompanying desserts (sometimes fish), glass to keep away until used.