Relationship Status - kapple19/kapple19 GitHub Wiki

As of typing this article, I'm single.
How do I feel about that?

It's really nice having a partner in life.
Really nice.
But it needs to feel and function like a life partner.
At least for me anyway.

Some relationships fade but stay together for their children.
Some stay together because dealing with the unknown is less preferable than the devil they know.
Even if that devil is... very close in character to the devil himself.

While I would say, "each to their own,"
your choice in partner affects generations!

From my observations of relationships,
the mental health of children is largely impacted by the level of true love between the parents.
Even if each individual parent has a true love for their children.
It just, it does stuff to the kid.
And kids can tell if their parents truly love each other --- you can't fool them.
So for me, I see irony in the parents who choose to stay together for their children.
The children would be better off watching their separated parents healthily respect the break-up,
seeking relationships that build them up better more than break them down.

But on top of that, I think children develop better mental health
if their parents prioritise each other healthily.
The children are a big priority,
but the parents' priority is supporting each other in supporting their children as well.

Of course, life is infinitely more complicated than the concepts I've worded above.
I have no judgment for anyone with the decisions they made in the relationship,
just a curious wonder if their currently miserable status would be any better if they had chosen the alternative.
An unhealthy relationship just intensifies the worst in people.
A healthy relationship ends up building up the character and happiness of both.
I've learned to not judge the former, but goodness gracious do I lament the former and desire the latter.

How long has it been since then, a month now? A month-ish since I told this woman that I like her?

I was rejected,
and there was a feeling of relief.
Not from being rejected - that was still sad.
But whatever sadness existed was drowned out by some other emotions.

• She and I had a nice chat on the phone. From what I could tell, I seemed to broach the topic with her well enough that it wasn't negative. I still periodically healthily overanalyse what I did wrong, but I still feel happy in life.

• Speaking of feeling happy in life, I noticed that in this moment of potential turmoil, my happiness was not dependent on someone else's decision. From the many stories you hear of relationship-impacting-related exchanges, one or both parties can sometimes come across as entitled. My happiness was more rooted in the things I could control, and in the fact that she was able and comfortable to reject me without the need to explain why.

• The other things I have going on in life had me not so identity-dependent on someone else's decision to choose me. I've got exciting things and ideas to pursue in my life, and it would be ruined if I had someone by my side who didn't want to be there. I'm happy I have my freedom to choose, and I'm happy others have their freedom to choose as well.

That said, we don't choose what we like, do we?
Please tell me if you do, because I am unable to choose what I like.
I just like what I like in life, and I have no control over it.

I have been single for over a year now.
That time kinda flew by.

It's been so eye-opening and intellectually and emotionally stimulating,
reflecting on all the experiences I've had in my relationships.

In general throughout life, I've been lucky to have been in a nice number of relationships
that last long enough for me to have learned from my many mistakes.

My two most major relationships were with women that were quite similar.
I mistakenly told my most recent ex while in a relationship with her that I felt like I was getting a second chance.
She clarified to me that it's not a second chance, it's just a chance.

After breaking up with my first major relationship,
I would see couples and view them with anger.
I deleted photos and notes related to the relationship.
I was significantly immature.

After breaking up with my second major relationship,
I see couples and am happy for them.
I stumble upon photos of that relationship in my phone when searching for other photos,
and I smile at the memories we made together.
I'm still immature, but have matured significantly.

I think there's much to say about how relationships affect people.
How different are you at the time of the break-up compared to when you started dating them?
And a year after that --- especially if single --- did you progress in that time?
Not that it's necessary to --- toxic positivity is an article for me to type up some other day.
But it's nice to see what kind of person you are when by yourself, compared to when in a partnership.

And that's why it hurts.
It has to.
But when it works out, goodness gracious it's amazing.

Among my friends and family I'm regarded as somewhat emotionally aware, emotionally mature.
But in the high heat fire of an intense relationship,
emotions overwhelm me and all that experience and wisdom gets swept up by the winds of human nature.

It's embarrassing really.
I think many of us have been there.
Even not in a relationship, we're still prone.
But in a relationship, the number of situations that can arise for emotional shakenness skyrockets.
Excuse my simile: Single status is like going for a nice jog. Partnered status is like being on a rollercoaster.
Boy it's thrilling. I'd do it all over again.

I'm just sorry that my negative behaviour, my hurtful words and decisions, had to hurt someone.
Someone who was being vulnerable to me in true love.
That said, it's a two-way street.
Eventually you have so many and hopefully are getting better at handling them,
that your truly loving relationship has developed and matured into accepting, forgiving, and supporting
because they'll do the same for you when it's your turn to go berserk.

I haven't experienced enough to know if my next statement is true, but
I think a mark of a lifelong true and loving relationship is that you go through all that shit,
and come out still loving and wanting each other for healthy reasons.

I had dinner with two friends the other night.
They're married to each other.
I love them dearly, they're awesome people.
But I'll be honest, I never pegged them as each other's type.

From my male mate's perspective, he told me his liking of her
might have been factored by the negative experiences he had with his exes.
He noted the factors of those negative experiences,
and when getting to know my female friend,
figured that she would work better for him.

Having known them for years into their marriage now,
I see why it works.

My observations of these two friends in their marriage
along with other life experiences I've had
has made me less prescriptive about who I'm looking for.
Yes I have preferences,
but you never know what might work.
And I'm open for that.

I mean, there's imperatives like chemistry, attraction, values.
But other than that core stuff,
I've decided I wouldn't turn down someone just because they snore, for example.
If anything, any differences would be an opportunity for an expression of love.
How do the two of you manage your differences?
And do the two of you feel supported by each other,
or feel like you have to keep defending yourself against the way they question you?

Now that is one thing I'd prescribe for in a relationship.
Are they questioning me because they doubt me?
Because they consistently and repeatedly assume their knowledge is right?
Or do they question you because they are open to learn from you?
Open to the opportunity a disagreement presents in learning about each other?
And even if they are right, correct you in the kindest, most loving way?
And when they are wrong, thank you for helping them not live a lie?

I think that the greatest experiences in life are in true, honest connections with others.

To say I'm happy being single somewhat distracts me from that.
And is probably a lie I tell myself to help myself feel happy being single.

And honestly, I am happy being single.
But emotions don't cancel each other out.
I miss having a partner in life.
I miss having someone to spam the memes I find on a daily basis.
I miss cuddling and bantering and planning life together.
But it doesn't mean that me without those things is me miserable.

I'm single for now, and I'm lonely, but not really.
My happiness in a relationship is rooted in understanding and being and feeling understood.
That's worth waiting for.

My happiness in a relationship is also based on the quality of my character in a relationship,
so in the meantime I can work on that.
That said, some of my biggest character epiphanies and growth has come from being in a relationship.

I've demonstrated multiple times in my life that I've been pretty talented in emotionally moving on from a relationship.
I'm proud of that,
but what I've recently realised is that someone else out there is a good match for me,
and I'm a good match for them.
Just deciding to stay single for the rest of my life as some kind of unhealthy acceptance and coping choice
is depriving me of the wonderful experience of adding to the fulfillment of someone else's life,
and likewise them for me.

So in short, I guess I would stop saying
"I'm happy being single"
and instead say
"I'm excited for what comes next, and I'll prepare myself for what I love."

And, honestly, the longing I have to deeply love someone,
and to be deeply loved,
is something that I and everyone are sometimes too shy to fully open up about.
Let's save sharing that for the person we do get into a healthy, loving relationship with.
But by god we are all drowning in it.