System Programming Jokes

Warning: Authors are not responsible for any neuro-apoptosis caused by these "jokes." - Groaners are allowed.

Light bulb jokes

Q. How many system programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Just one but they keep changing it until it returns zero.

A. None they prefer an empty socket.

A. Well you start with one but actually it waits for a child to do all of the work.

Groaners

Why did the baby system programmer like their new colorful blankie? It was multithreaded.

Why are your programs so fine and soft? I only use 400-thread-count or higher programs.

Where do bad student shell processes go when they die? Forking Hell.

Why are C programmers so messy? They store everything in one big heap.

System Programmer (Definition)

A system programmer is...

Someone who knows sleepsort is a bad idea but still dreams of an excuse to use it.

Someone who never lets their code deadlock... but when it does, causes more problems than everyone else combined.

Someone who believes zombies are real.

Someone who doesn't trust their process to run correctly without testing with the same data, kernel, compiler, RAM, filesystem size,file system format, disk brand, core count, CPU load, weather, magnetic flux, orientation, pixie dust, horoscope sign, wall color, wall gloss and reflectance, motherboard, vibration, illumination, backup battery, time of day, temperature, humidity, lunar position, sun-moon co-position...

System Program (Definition)

A system program ...

Evolves until it can send email.

Evolves until it has the potential to create, connect and kill other programs and consume all possible CPU,memory,network,... resources on all possible devices but chooses not to. Today.