Timofonic

NOTE: This is just a temporary place to put here. Not sure how to write and organize this. I'm writing this because it helps me to be more aware of it and think about it as self-therapy.

How I started to know I was ADHD

• I'm somewhat a bad melodramatic Jack of All Trades, Master of None: I abandoned studies, projects and jobs countless times. I acted very weird and did things that would be part of a script of one of these new psychedelic SatAm cartoons, but a bit darker.

• Some years ago a very special partner in my life appeared and convinced me to act about what happened to me. I was some kind of ?26? eternal bored adolescent that smoked weed when I got it.

• She motivated and got very insistent about moving in life, because she liked me but not how I was. Despite the stressful situation, that made me start to move and start to study again.

  • I was unable to study at the start more than 2 minutes and I was 26-27 years old, I got totally stressed and needed to move. She got very upset but made me change about that. I failed a summer because I didn't want to study and I finally confesed her, after a very big discussion I changed my attitude and I improved my studies the next year. TWO YEARS FOR A DAMN ENTRY EXAM TO A VOCATIONAL SCHOOL.

• Some time after that I started to go to a psychologist of public mental health because very severe anxiety issues (frequent anxiety attacks, too), with not so good results: They gave me drugs that made me feel depressive and sleep issues didn't improve.

• I finally got informed myself and meeted with an ADHD support group I suspected to be "one of them" and maybe it's because I did see similar behaviors with other ADHD people (but I'm obviously much more immature):

  • Finally my mother got able to pay the expensive for her economy and my lack of incomes (nearly 200 EUR) psychopedagogical diagnostic:

    • It was very difficult and not because the questions and tests, but because it was very difficult to make my mother attend the interviews (she always had flu or felt bad).

    • That special woman isn't my sentimental partner anymore, she wasn't able to cope with my ADHD symphtoms:

      • I understand it, it's very hard.

      • She also has other severe issues and is fighting to finish her studies in a difficult environment, but she's stubborn and never lost the good study habits:

        • I envy her persistence and good grades in the career she's studying

          • I wish to have been at university.

            • I got to a vocational school instead, were I got very bullied by both schoolmates and teachers (some of them supported me, but I'm a very difficult person too and people get tired of me). The classes were boring, chaotical, very noisy, lack of pedagogy and a theory to emorize but lack of practice with it to make projects and really understand it. Lots of people passed having less knowledge than me, but they finished homework, copied at exams and studies enough to pass. I get bored and totally unmotivated by that way.

          • Fortunately, this one is a lot better but they lack resources for "adults" like me and the technical ones are too limited too.

          • The end of the relationship made me feel very confused and lack of motivation in life.

          • I abandoned friendships because I got obsessive in the relationship and that probably made things worse on her too. I acted very wrong in different ways, specially when I got very impulsive and did annoying jokes to everyone, despite I was doing nothing wrong in my stupid brain.

          • I felt alone because most friends are busy or upset to me (or both) and some of them really made me feel like an alien.

          • I not changed so much, buy my way of thinking changed enough to get bored of certain attitudes too, so I feel very strange!

          • Studies got also bad because my mother didn't have incomes to pay a private tutor (again the money ruins everything) because bachellorship got a year late and I'm awful at studies (despite of that, I can read a zillion of different themes over Internet but it's difficult to maintain focus on something even if I love to do it

, along with a nice friend. I'll never forget their support towards me, I feel guilty for not reacting correctly and my isolation made me to abandon most friendships.

  * I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD with severe co-morbid disorders such as anxiety dysthymia with depressive phases, low self-stem, bad psycho-motor skills and tons of other stuff.

• I have been improving a bit and getting worse by large periods of time, over and over. I'm tired of not surpassing this progressively, it seems I end to see the ground again and again.

About my diagnostic: Maybe there are better ones, I would like to get a better one and receive therapy before my brain gets rotten! Unfortunately, I know there's lots of Adult ADHDs with worse disgnostics with incredible lack of scientifical approach (a big group of tests to check different skills, interviews long with relatives and ourselves about how are we and how evolved etc. and observe our behavior in different situations

A somewhat organized but incomplete description about myself.

• I have agoraphobic issues when in bad mood and emotionally very sensitive:

• When women and friends are good to me, I get to feel very nice! But world goes to hell when things get bad.

• I also break software because too experimenting in an impulsive way: Backups? Proced? I get mad and touch everything I can! :(

• I often forget homework or tasks to get bucks.

• I get easily distracted with "shiny" stuff, and hours finish something but really most of the time I commonly not finish it!

• I get obsessed with novelties:

• Oh a new linux distro: But I often read too much about it and forget to try it in a pragmatic way, like a VM.
• A new IC: I download tons of datasheets about electronic components, application notes and such.
• A new app: I try it until I get bored or no idea what to do.
• A new article about X technology or new product (computer, IC, technology): I read it like if it's a tabloid, but never do something interesting with it.
• I even get obsesed with geeking my crap in a totally absurd and non-focusing way. It makes no sense and I feel stupid later:
  • Writing about it for myself or asking a lot on forums or issue trackers, like now!
  • Making lists about what to do, goals or to have to make certain projects that I never achieve.
  • Collecting information obsessively that I often not order it properly and forget I had it, sometimes having tons of repeated terabytes (and there's no IA able to fix that, but I would feel horrible if losing that info I'm interested at).